Volume Tres: The Pillar of Friendship

“Dear Boy,
You are a douche. That’s right, you are a professional vaginal cleanser. I hope you get a curable STD while you are doing your job.
Love,
Girl.”


Okay, I wasn’t really serious about that part, it’s an inside joke that I thought I should include, for the sake of my sanity which is wearing thin. But it was how a piece of me felt. I think that the worst part about it is that I wouldn’t be at this point if he had just been honest from the beginning. As I’ve stated in another blog (The Pillar of Morality) I’m not a particularly moral or ethical person. However, one thing I do value is honesty. Females, I know you know this story all too well. A guy screws up. Point blank. I met a guy the other night who told a story about how he would put dip (tobacco) in his mouth when he was about to leave after hanging out with this girl. Why? Because he knew she would be going in for a kiss and he didn’t like her the same way. Yet he didn’t tell her that he didn’t like her because he “didn’t want to break her heart.”


I don’t remember how the rest of the story went, or even if there was more but what I have made up into my mind is that this girl is probably more heartbroken than if he would have told her from the beginning. I think it’s great that he even though enough about her feelings to attempt to protect them, HOWEVER, that was a bad idea in itself. Now all he’s done is led this girl on, like what’s been done to me. What’s a bad idea, and sure to lead to more heartbreak is to lead someone on by hanging out with them and/or planning to and then standing them up. I don’t buy the whole “I don’t want to break her heart” excuse from some people and in the case of my situation I don’t. I just find it such a hard concept to accept. From the beginning I was up front and honest, no matter how shy I was and how hard it was for me, yet couldn’t receive the same thing back. If he “didn’t want to break my heart” then why didn’t he just say “Hey, I don’t really like you the same way, sorry.” I would actually have respect for this person at this point if he did. The best part about the whole situation (notice the sarcasm), after I was stood up, I saw this person numerous times and could not even get an apology. I even stood right in his face basically (granted it was at 230 in the morning on a basketball court surrounded by all of my friends). I stood right there while he addressed all of them and basically ignored the fact that I was alive. Even though I recently took my braids out, I don’t look different to the point of non-recognition. But the point in all of this is that I am still standing. Thanks to some very lovely people that I’ve met down in North Carolina.


People who know me in Maryland know that I have several groups of friends, and down here it’s all the same. This weekend was filled with ups and downs. By Thursday at 2035 (8:35) I decided that the weekend would indeed be disappointing and filled with more depression until I reached the fourth floor of North Hall, where girls who had never spoken to me took me under their arm and took care of me. Later two great people I barely knew helped me feel much better just by suggesting we take a run in the sprinklers at midnight. They didn’t have to care at all but they did.
Friday night at the semi formal when a male friend who I’ve not known long or really had too much interaction with saw my distress as I sat in the hallway and refused to leave until I felt better. People like these exemplify what friendship is. You may not be as close as you are to others, but in the end the people who are there for you in your time of need are just as much a friend as the people you are with day in and day out. What is important is that you return the favor. Pay it forward. Be honest.

I think I really switched gears big time somewhere in the middle. Hope you kept up.

Volume Dos: The Pillar of Perpetual Sorrow

If you've seen that episode of That 70's Show you'll know that "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow" is the Catholic school Donna ends up going to her senior year....totally irrelevant.

It's been what 3 weeks and I've seen girls hop on the "get a college man" deal. Do I dare say I fit into that category? I'd like to think not. I saw something I liked, and went after it. "Hopping on" not applicable. My plan was to remain a free agent, however, something "came up". Watching the couples here at UNCP I have come to realize one thing: it's only "average" people and "nerds" getting together. No offense to anyone who falls into the above categories. But "pretty" people are remaining free agents and "ugly" people are stuck.

Point? College is not the treasure trove of getting laid and finding a man/woman like everone thinks it is. If you were sad and unloved in high school there's only a slightly better chance at happiness at college. These are the same types of people you spent the last 4 years with. Many are still as shallow as they were when the letters HS accented the school they attended. That means if you are overweight, obscenly tall, acne ridden or just not Hollywood beautiful you still stand with a small chance of ever finding Mr/Mrs. Right-now. (Because who is actually looking for Mr/Mrs. RIGHT in college?) Sure there are plenty of attractive guys/girls but will any of them give you the attention you so rightfully deserve? More than likely not. Most are just trying to get little Willy wet or as my friend Dylan likes to say "get some poohn."

What doesn't matter is that you've come to college to grow a backbone and have actually stuck to that resolve. What doesn't matter is that you try your hardest and attempt to be as forward as possible without being overbearing of stalker/creepy/desperate. Like that guy Kelly (an insider). What doen't matter is that ypou've become such a hardened person from being rejected so many times that you've just accepted perpetual sorrow and the adjectives that come along with the macabre acceptance of it. What also doesn't matter is that you've had your heart broken so many times that you're risking you're very sanity on one more person just for the sake of it.

Nope, none of that matters. No one cares. Not the guy you spent your last emotional piece of energy on, nor the dozens of people who happen to breeze past your emotionally tormented Facebook status. What you have to realize is that you may not find a guy who accepts you for who you are, you can always find friends who will. These are the people you should be most concerned about winning the favor of. These are the people who (in theory) are with you as you go through all the lackluster relationships and rollercoaster emotions. It's these people that give you the strength when you've exerted your last bit of energy on someone who never even deserved it in the first place.

But I know what you feel. You feel the need to be loved. It's the reason churches, gangs and Greek organizations were founded: to provide individuals with a sense of belonging and love. I've been in your position and I could almost say I'm close to it right now. Yet I understand how to deal with it. I won't let it ruin me. And I refuse to let it happen to you either. I dare say that in due time you will feel loved and things will be okay. Things will be beautiful and the storm shall pass. It's the pain that makes life worth living, because if there was never any pain, there would never be any joy.

To you know who you are: Wow....I should be a columnist. And I'm sorry it was cynical. But I'd rather tell you the truth, than sugar coat anything. Regardless ILY.

Comments very much appreciated.

Volume Uno: The Pillars of Morality

So, as you should know if you're reading this venture into the life of MorganTori, I have recently completed my first 2 weeks as a student at the University of North Carolina at Pembroke. So far it's been great. Small classes, diversity, beautiful campus, decent meals or atleast meal alternatives, and some very attractive bait. But that is later to be discussed.

I've been a student for all of these long two weeks and already have decided to change my major. Instead of Psychology with a concentration in Substance Abuse, I am now pursuing a degree in MassComm: Journalism. Yes, I'm going after that National Geographic career instead of taking care of alkies and druggies. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write about drug addicts one day in a "Taboo" article or something of the sort. I've also joined a couple of clubs so far. The Gay Straight Alliance, and of course the school newspaper, The Pine Needle, where I plan to become a contributing photographer and possible a junior writer on the staff. Hey, you have to start somewhere.

But, on to the bait. Of course, as most of us Marylanders suspected the guys are much better down here. They're (mostly) nice guys with country accents and penchants for smoking. Sure, there's some of the same thing we've experienced in the great state of MD, but that's just the unfortunate way of the world. Jerks are everywhere. For those who suspected and hoped for the "Carolina farm-boy, with blonde hair and blue eyes", don't be discouraged just yet. There's plenty of bait to go around for you too. (And you know who you are, there's no need to put you on blast.) Alas, I've not found myself attracted to any of those and have instead had a steady eye on something else.

And those who knew me as the quiet, timid girl, who refused to talk to any member of the opposite sex in the most teenage related way, has become drastically different.... Okay, so I like to exaggerate... a lot. However, I have "grown a pair of cojones", or bollocks [(The British, 1756)...by the way that is not a real citation, I just would like to give credit where credit is due, to the Brilliant British for creating such a clever word to say] and mustered up the courage to talk to someone; yes, this someone I keep a left eye on when spotted. It's being hoped on but I'm not holding my breath just yet. (Between you and I readers, its the fear of suffocation that keeps me from holding close my lungs so far.)

But all of this talk of clubs and boys and cafteria food (which needs no elaboration: it is what it is), has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this blog Volume Uno: The Pillars of Morality.

In all absolute and tragic honesty, I am willing to say that I love my friends, so far. Unfortuantely some things I just have to say no to. Like they say: "If you don't stand for something.... something horrible will probably happen to you, like a heroine addiction."

I don't think that's exactly how it goes, but you get the idea.

The point I would like to make is somewhat clear. I have never been myself a pillar of all that is ethical, pure or moral. I'm Pro-Choice, I don't think marijuana should be considered a narcotic, I don't believe fornication will send you to hell, or that there even is a hell (not to be confused with Atheism/Agnosticism, which is entirely different), I don't believe Christianity holds all of the answers of the world and that maybe, just maybe, we should listen to what all those other people have to say. They seem to be quite as happy as those who recognize the Crucifiction of Christ. Alas, the meat and potatoes of this blog is: skipping class is immoral.

W T F ? I know what you're thinking: "Abortion=cool, sex before marriage=cool, honoring gods other than the divine=cool, marijuana=cool......skipping class=BAD????"

Yes, that's what I said, that's what I mean...well, not really. Skipping class is not immoral, but it's just not something I can agree with nor participate in. My parents worked extremely hard, and made a lot of sacrafices so that I could go to college and better myself. Skipping classes that they paid their well earned money on would be a sign of disrepect and ignorance. Keep in mind that most professors only allow a few absences before you fail the class, and winter is comes upon us around the corner of Sunday. I heard it doesn't get very cold down here in Pembroke, however, sickness is less about weather and more about proximity and contact between and with a person that is contagious. That being said, why not use those absences for days when you could possibly need them? It would be better than having to walk from Belk or West Hall to Sampson with a bleeding headache and a snotty nose, wrapped in a blanket and sniffing on Vick's to keep your nasal passages inhaling properly. I can't condone the things my friends do, which is why I find myself in limbo.

With this all tossed up into the air like the remnants of a bomb, I ask myself: Should I sit and wait until their influence rubs off on me, or should I seek out a new group of friends? I hate to drop people for something so insignificant for them, but its a big deal for me. Neither of my parents finished college and I want to make them proud by doing something they were never able to do. I think maybe, the priorities I had listed on my dry-erase board were not misguided but in perfect ascending order:

PT/Army ROTC

Social life

School work.

The only prolem is that I may have to find a new group of friends. Like the woman from Monster.com said: "If you're the smartest one out of all your friends, you need new friends."

And I think I'm pretty smart.

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